On the edge of happiness...

Another year sees its end. Much like all others! End of a year of haves and have-nots, surprises and dejections, smiles and tears…another year of moving on. About to witness another dusk, with couple of new year bashes already planned, a sudden realization dawns in – do I really want to spend the year eve pubbing, bon-firing, or even faking plastic smiles? Which brought me those set of Questions that I ask myself often – when was the last time I did something I really wanted to do on New Year eve? Not anytime I remember. While a close friend of mine was persuading me to come down to Kolkata for a house party, reminding me of a promise I made a year back, I had hard time thinking of the excuses. Given he is he, someone who knows me well enough to buy excuses, he ended up saying: why don’t you say you don’t want to come because you don’t care! Which made me realize, do I really? I do care for him enough, but is that enough to make me die to spend the eve partying with

It seems I have known you forever. Not someone like you, but you. On some evenings when Al Pacino co-exists with lonely coffee mugs, I sleep over half-read Barnes’, the Sense of an Ending looms large. Not over me, but over us. And I fumble to figure out the beginning of an end. Has it ever begun? Or is it just me scared of the end? The answer is… It seems I can cry for you forever. Not over you, but for you. On some rainy afternoons when my window sill is wet with love, I sit over torn pages of my diary, memories loom large. Not over my past, but over our future. And I say I believe in living life for present, each moment at a time. Am I too scared of a future without you? Or is it just a skeptical me, thanks to the past? The answer is… It seems I can hold on to you forever. Not hang on, but hold on. On some wintry mornings when I refuse to leave the warmth of my cozy bed; your smiling hug looms large. Not over my body, but in my mind. And I wake up from sleep to h

You talk 1000 things and nothing actually registers… You give people weird ideas to make them ROFL and you don’t know what you are saying… You hear your mom talk for hours and you don’t know what she is talking about… You suddenly miss your nursery friend and just want to hang around saying nothing, when he is miles away… You want to hug and end up fighting. Suddenly you don’t know how to convey that one ‘I need you badly’… You need a silent conversation with the man you trust the most. And his early morning ‘was missing you’ calls make you miss him more… You wait for Sunday Skype sessions… You surprise yourself by answering every single call… You indulge in G-Talks and actually love it… You have this “I give a damn” feeling while replying to emails you’ve always dealt diplomatically… You end a conversation with “This will happen because I want it to happen this way” feeling “either agree, or I’ll make you agree”… You listen to some songs over and over again…

There were so many things I thought would make me happy… Like the warmth of a summer afternoon, being cradled by the moon…catching fireflies at night, building castles in the sand, kissing Mom goodnight, holding Dad's hand…running barefoot in the grass, a little hide and seek...being so in love that you can hardly eat...dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around…being bundled beneath the covers, watching snow fall to the ground… But now that the happy little soul no longer follows me, I miss her. I do. Because there are things I want to tell her… like summers do cause blisters; eclipse occurs at regular intervals; fireflies die when you catch them; waves will break your castle; while you hide waiting for someone to find you, no one might turn up; you lose your appetite more when you're out of love…snows do melt. I wanted to tell her that life is not always easy. There were so many things that scared me… Like I'd never grow up; I'd be tra

Having grown up on Mills & Boons, she always imagined sparks would fly; time would stop when she meets him. A kiss would make her melt in his arms. But meeting him, nothing happened. She didn’t melt in his arms. She didn’t feel out of the world. She just held him tight and slept peacefully, knowing her world is safe. As for the rest of the world she didn’t care. Her soul was saved. And secure!  

Last few days have been strange! Weird realizations, weirder thoughts…and the weirdest part is, the more complicated I foresee things, the more I smile. The more I realize no matter how much ever we want to hold on to certain things, we have to wait to see if we can…the more I resign to future. Thought # 1 Mom used to tell me that as I grow up, I would miss my childhood... my school... my friends. For a long time, I believed I do.  I believed I miss the innocence, the fun of being together, copying homework assignments. But now as we sit 100 miles apart, planning a vacation over text, I realize I don’t miss it as much as I believed. I could never imagine planning a vacation then. Now, I know holidaying can be crazy fun (we choose to ignore societal warnings of ‘cut down friends and get married’). Yes, I do miss my innocence, but aren’t we bound to pay a price for everything in life? Which makes me think, have I sold off my innocence for maturity? Or am I trying to buy i

Thanks to a friend for sharing this. Have been wanting to pen down these thoughts for quite sometime, but lazy that I am...when somebody already have, thought it's better to share :-) Happy Reading!!  Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has a library card since she was twelve. Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they turn yellow. She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a pick at her

One fine day when I was so bored that I decided to write this stupid note on Facebook. those "you have been tagged, now write..." kind of notes that usually circulates... Today, when am again bored, re-read the note and liked it. Hence the re-post!!! LAST: 1. Last beverage = Vodka. Imagined! Tea for real! 2. Last phone call = Not answered :( 3. Last text message = Dad   4. Last song you listened = Mora Saiyaan – Fuzon! 5. Last time you cried = What makes you think I would tell you that? HAVE YOU EVER: 6. Dated someone twice = Hell yes!!   7. Been cheated on = Umm…that’s immaterial! 8. Kissed someone & regretted it = Never! 9. Lost someone special = Define special first! 10. Been depressed = That’s another me! Another time. 11. Been drunk and threw up = Once. LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: 12. Blue 13. White 14. Keep this as variable! LAST YEAR (2010) HAVE YOU:  15. Made new friends = Yup, I make that every day! Well…almost. 16. Fallen out of love

Have it ever been such You stopped strolling in the middle of nowhere And in the midst of many unknown eyes, Found a pair of eyes so known? The eyes then haunted you for days You tried running away from it, but in vain… Today, I met those eyes again. It asked: How have you been? I just smiled… Not me…my eyes did! 

On some nights I just have myself for company. Nights when I am too numb to feel anything, even love! Or care. An unexplainable feeling, not of sadness or loneliness... but of plunging deep! A strange feeling of being nobody! A night when all I want is to end a story that never started. When all I have to give is a fossiled me! When I drift away to a wonderland that never existed. Such nights are few and far between, but they do come. At regular intervals! Till the Cheshire cat asks me which road to take? And I am clueless. All roads lead me away from my wonderland. All roads make me realize I have become an expert in faking smile…and even happiness. Nights when I feel I have no love left to love. No dreams left to be wilted. Will you love me on such a night? Will you still hold me tight as I reconsider being yours? You might. You might not. But I love myself the most on such nights.  

Yes! That’s what it is. My relationship with two people in the world who I can always take for granted, who will never say no. Who complained when I was a lazy bum, and now complains when I am not. Parents! People I fight with at regular intervals, shout at for no reason at all (okay, my mood swing  is the culprit), disobey only to obey later, pout at to get things done my way…love, hate, argue, threaten…and love more. Having tasted life in a different city for quite some time now, I start feeling a little uncomfortable when asked to spend more than a certain period of time at home. Two weeks is my limit, after which I start feeling restless. The taste of independence did that to me. ‘I like living alone’ is what I have to say to the many relocation offers. My assumed responsibility lies in visiting home once every two/ three months, daily hour-long calls, and other such small things. Thinking my parents feel proud as neighbors say I have grown up to be a responsible daughter. Wh

Another night sky turning gray…another day to begin with! I remember where my dawn-ish hatred came from. Someone I once loved told me day-break scared him because all your smiles become yesterdays. And you don’t know what tomorrow would hold. As I moved on, the reason remained. The hatred vanished. He vanished, the memories remained.  Another dawn to smile at…another weekend to look forward to! I remember where my morning freshness came from. Someone I love told me to close my eyes and feel the freshness in the cool morning breeze. Every time I think of hating dawn. As I inhale, the fragrance lingers. Of what is, and what might have been. And of smiles! Another movie watched. Which made me wonder…why do we think of only one kind of love? Domestic love, where we dream of sharing a home…a bed. And children. There is another kind of love. Perhaps the one we don’t realize often. Love without expectation, a love that frees you. People love you in their own way. At times, maybe they do no

At moments, I miss you. Moments when I talk to my mom about stupid non-happenings, and she suddenly asks about you. Moments when I am happy for nothing, or want to go binge drinking because am bored. Moments when I work out at the gym and have ice-cream pangs, or want a city ride at three in the morning to fly in the air. But then I know, you would laugh it off as my childishness, and give me a ‘grow up honey’ kiss. The kiss would remain, and I would touch my cheek every once in a while for nothing. And at other times, I do miss you. Times when I am in a mood not to talk to anybody, do nothing, be no one.  Times when I get tired being a daughter, sister, friend, listener, even lover. Times when I wish invention should be such that my phone should be switched off for the whole world but you. But then I know you wouldn’t call. You would mistake my silence as my need to stay alone and leave me with a warm hug. The warmth would linger, long after you leave. Just like your smell. And on

How many times have you overheard your boy friend cribbing about girls, and giving you a “you caught me on the wrong side baby, that wasn’t for you darling” smile when he realized you overhearing? I often think – is there something girls can do to make them not complain? Or at least see them really happy being in a relationship (like most girls are. No matter how much they fight, you will see a girl flaunting ‘he did this for me’ often)? So, here goes some quirky observations that I thought might help girls be better friends (before being girl friend): 1.        Give space: This is the thumb rule. Ask him for time, but don’t be demanding. Don’t expect him to be yours 24x7. Remember, he also has a life of his own. He needs his own space to think and do ‘nothing’, just as you need. 2.        Freedom: Don’t chain him. It’s important to realize that he needs his gang to chill out. Remember, ‘missed you so much baby’ can’t make a guy unwind as much a