In self defence...

My photo
A little bit of this...a little bit of that, I'm what you see me. I'm what you don't see... Anything but typical, unpredictable, as real as real can be...that's me!

Thursday, September 14, 2017

You before anyone else...


You’re the only one who has seen my most uncensored, no filter self.
Because you get me.

You get that I must pause conversation once food arrives...because pizza deserves undivided attention.

You know my need to vent at 2pm about a particularly bad day at work & at 2am when overthinking has led me to believe my life is falling apart.

You also know that LITs & hugs are enough to fix both.

You’re my biggest cheerleader. And my worst critic. It's hard to find someone who loves you for who you are & at the same time, is constantly pushing you to be the best version of yourself.

You make me want to grow, be better, more persistent, more confident.

You make me want to be more.

I love how we can have conversations about everything & nothing & know even what is left unsaid.

I love how no matter where we are in the world, you're my home.

I love how you are so huge a part of my everyday that I see you there for the rest of forever.

What I am trying to say is, maybe love isn’t in the first sight, violins & a celebratory ‘yes’. Maybe it is in the familiarity, comfortable silences & hundreds of ‘yes’s that follow.

It isn’t an occurrence, but a choice.
And if I could choose a thousand times, I’d still choose you.

Sometimes, dragons must be slayed, odds must be defied, lives must be risked for a happily-ever-after.

Sometimes, life gives it to us when we aren’t even looking & all it takes is a leap of faith.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Love in the time of babysitting



On some days, I believe in you. Days when I am tired of babysitting and want to run away from everyone.  You reason it out as baby blues and assure everything will be fine once I get back to work. On such days, I silently thank you for helping me retain my sanity.

On some days, I miss you. Days when I know you're busy with your month-end closing. Not on Fridays, but on Mondays. Days when I know you're tied up with meetings, and I wish to go on a date. But then I know you wouldn’t fly on Mondays to see me.  Your silence over the phone would say ‘try and understand baby’. On such days, I buy lives at Candy Crush.

On some rainy afternoons, I wish we wouldn't argue as much as we do. Not on weekdays, but on Sundays. When we count hours before you catch your flight back, and we pretend its easy to live apart. On such afternoons, I realize you love me more than you show.

On some evenings, I am mad at you. When my colleagues share glimpses of pizza party and I call you to realize you're on a smoke break. On such evenings, Al Pacino co-exists with lonely coffee mugs, and life seems to be in a suspended animation.

On some nights, I want to curl up beside you and sleep peacefully. Nights when no movies or song can lull me to sleep, no books seem to register in my mind. You would be busy watching YouTube. Or I can't call because it would wake up our daughter. On such nights, I tell myself "This too shall pass."

And then suddenly, you call up to ask if I love you?

Do you still need to ask?

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Randomly random

#1
For all the time you stopped me
From following my dreams – “Thank You”
You made it easier for me to leave you

#2
Final boarding announcement.
He hugged: “Promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”
She smiled. “Stay back” choked.
If only the baby in the womb could speak!

#3
“All the best!”
“Thanks! It means a lot from you.”
Just once she hoped he won’t crack the interview.


Thoughts

#1
Butterflies in stomach?
Past that age.
Goosebumps?
Insensitive to emotions.
One look. And the world crashes.
And they still need Richter scale to measure earthquakes.

#2
6 AM. Result Positive.
Husband oblivious. In deep sleep.
Freaked out, she texts her best friend.
Like always – he gave her a virtual hug.

#3
“Don’t throw tantrums! You’re not a child. I was busy.”
“Come home! There’s no one to throw tantrums when I’m late.”
She’ll be her dad’s princess. Always!

#4
“Congratulations! No more pizza, alcohol, and junk food.”

Unaware, the tom-boy died. A mother is born.

Scribblings

#1
At thirteen, she heard Celine Dion crooning:
“Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime.”
Innocent belief is dangerous.

#2
At 12, rain meant coffee and Mills & Boons.
At 16, a love note hidden in the pages of notebook.
At 20, chai and adda in the college canteen.
At 24, a sudden kiss while walking on a deserted road.
28…32…36…40. Her soul is still rain parched.  

#3
First crush?
-Too early in life.
First love?
-A moment of silence.
Do you love me?

-You’re the father of my child. 

Random Scribblings

#1
I have seen music in his voice
I have heard rainbow in his eyes.
He rains. He burns. He cuts. He heals.

#2
Strangled. Yet the pen bleeds.
They can’t always be right!
Some wounds don’t heal with time.

#3
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.”
Really? Then where did the concept of parallel universe come from?

Just curious! Don’t kill the cat for that!

Friday, October 7, 2016

শুভ শারদীয়া

শরতের সোনাঝরা রোদ্দুর-মাখা সকাল আজ অতীত | ঢাকের বাদ্যি শুনে ঘুম ভাঙা...মায়ের হাতের লুচি - তরকারি, পিঠে এসে লাগা অষ্টমীর অঞ্জলীর ফুল, আড়-চোখের ইশারা, নতুন জামার গন্ধ - হারিয়ে গেছে ছোটবেলার কানাগলির বাঁকে | ক্লাস এইটের প্রথম প্রেম হয়তো আজ সংসারী | আনন্দমেলা ঘরের এক কোণে সঙ্গীর অপেক্ষয়ায় |

অলি পাবের প্রথম ভদকা, ম্যাডক্স স্কোয়ারের ঝারি, রাত জাগা আড্ডা, উল্টোডাঙার মোড়ে প্রথম হাতের ছোঁয়ায় শিউরে ওঠা... মোহাম্মদ আলী পার্কের ভিড়, বাবার কিনে দেওয়া চিকেন রোল, দিদির ব্যাগ থেকে পয়সা নিয়ে আলুকাবলি ... আজ শুধুই ফেসবুক পোস্ট |

নবমীর রাতে বুকের ভিতর চিনচিনে ব্যাথা নেই আর | দশমীতে যেবার শেষবার সিঁদুর খেলেছিলাম...সেবার কি মায়ের চোখে জল দেখেছিলাম? না কি আমার চোখ ছলছল?

পাড়ার প্যান্ডেলে চেয়ার নেই, গরমে ঘেমে ঠাকুর দেখা নেই, রাস্তার বিরিয়ানি খেয়ে পেটব্যথা নেই|

চাওয়া - পাওয়ার হিসেব আজ থাক! আজ বরং পুরোনো জামায় থাকুক নতুন পারফিউম এর মাদকতা | নবমীর মন খারাপ আজ বাক্সবন্দী থাকুক - পুজো হোক আনন্দময় |

শুভ শারদীয়া! পুজো ভালো কাটুক, পেট ভালো থাকুক!

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Rain in the City!

1:00 PM. Wednesday. And am still on my way to office. Smiling.

No, I don’t love my job. Don’t hate it either. But I love the flexibility that comes with it. And the drive.

In a metro like NCR, where I choose to drive 50kms one-way daily to work, people often ask me – why? My answers vary depending on my mood. Sometimes my husband is not willing to relocate from Gurgaon. Sometimes, it is the ‘us’ time we get that helps us bond better. Sometimes, NOIDA is too crowded. Sometimes, what if I decide to take up a new job in Gurgaon?

What I don’t reveal is the obvious – I love driving. Yes. Everyday. In Delhi.

Most days we (my husband and me) travel separately. Which leaves me with myself, my car, and my favorite songs on the loop. And my timings (to start the day) being rather flexible, I get those 4-hours of ‘me’ time.

And on days we travel together, I love taking detours to try a new food joint, or to explore new routes. Cribbing about work pressure, of course, comes free.

Like today. I started a little late. I was driving lazily through Shanti Path when it started pouring. Answering a concerned call from hubby, I decided to take a minute break, parked the car in a no-parking zone, and got out of the car. Ignoring the curious looks of the passer-by, I got busy welcoming the rain. Few minutes, and it made my day.

Today is not a day to spend at air-conditioned cubicle. So, I thought of bunking work for a moment. But one look at my calendar, I decided otherwise. I took the longest route possible to work to enjoy a drive in the rain. Stopped by in between to take pictures. And then, finally, when rain became drizzle, I parked my car at the parking.

Almost every day, I read thousands of articles about women liberation. To my mind, women liberation is much more than having a choice about when to get married, when to have a kid, or which career to choose.  It is also in such small things like having the freedom to enjoy rain on a workday, or cancelling a date with your hubby to go out for a drink with your best friend.


Do you agree?  

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Bestie...


Have you ever wondered when, and why does someone become your best friend? And share a place in your life that no one else, perhaps not even your spouse does?

Someone who understands you more than anyone else does. And even in fights, you know s/he loves you. Not the run-of-the-mill kind of passionate love, but a love that you know will always be with you. Even when you’re out of touch for months.

This post is about my best friend… someone who I referred to indirectly in this blog often.

Where do I begin? The first time we met? Or when we realized we are best buddies?

2003, I met him. First day of college, we shared an orange candy. He, obviously, had his eyes on a cute classmate already. To me, he was just another classmate then.

What followed was 3 years of adda, bunking classes for movies and theaters, endless gossips and phone calls. Discussions from Eliot to Freud. Study plans. We were just like any other friend. Though I never realized why his girlfriend hated me.

We moved to different cities. He to Pune. I moved to Hyderabad. Gmail connected us. One day, he pinged me: “I broke up.” My instant reaction was: “Thank God!” Hour-long call followed. And unknowingly, we became best friends.

That was 2007. We used to talk for hours every day. Share who we have crush on, semester pressure, talk about that cute guy/ girl in class. Both of us have had many relationships since then. Needless to say, all of them came with an expiry date.

What survived was our friendship. Yes, we have had our share of misunderstandings. And ego clashes. But we have survived that.

They say, a guy and a girl can never be best friends without falling in love. I won’t deny that. Yes, we fell in love. But then realized our friendship is more precious than love. So we decided not to be in a relationship.

13 years later, I know he is the only person I have who understands me. And my mood swings.

Having seen life, what matters now I guess is the fact that you have someone who you know will always be there. Someone you can share your insecurities with. Someone who would understand and zap you back to reality. Someone who you can hug and cry, knowing he will understand why you’re crying without asking.

Yes, we don’t communicate often. Our midnight chats are rare now.

But, I have someone who understands me, like no one else does. Not my parents. Not my spouse.


Guess that is what best friends are all about. A hug when you need most. And a smile when you want to cry. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

2 a.m. conversations

Does past still hurts?
I guess pain subsides!

Are you happy with me?
I don’t cry often now.

Don’t you think you’ve changed?
No, I have outgrown my teenage romantic self.

Do you love me?
Shall we go for a drive? I need a smoke. And an ice-cream