On the edge of happiness...

  if i knew we had an expiry date, i would have done a lot of things differently. the hugs i used to give you would've been longer. the nights we spent under the stars, i would've counted the stars, and added you as a plus one, just to see you be so overwhelmed, it would make my world stop. the late night conversations would've been different, because i wouldn't let you go to bed, just to hear you sync your breaths over the phone, a little longer. all the times i couldn't be with you, because i was "too busy" or "too sleepy" or "too angry" at you, i wouldn't have been any of those things in the first place - if i knew our days were fixed. if i knew that the last time i heard you laugh would be the last time, i would have found a way to keep it in the shoebox of things that i have in my mind. if i knew that we had an expiry date, i would've asked you for a piece of your heart to keep with me as a souvenir, and would've given

 Sometimes She badly wants to fall in love With her old self All over again... The one she left In between Pages of old diaries and emails Smiles and scents long forgotten SMSes and chats  Deleted from inbox But fresh in memory Decades later But... She is no more And dead souls Don't rise from ashes.

Love... Is over-rated. Or is there anything called love? Its all convenience. A feel-good pill, that makes us believe love is real. Only in retrospect.  Have you ever wondered... The love that felt so real when you were in your 20s, suddenly felt 'not enough' one day... And then, when you have lived, or so you thought, life...had people proclaiming to 'love' you, you realized that love was real... That is what you miss... You don't miss that love, you miss the feeling of loving someone. Because now, you realize, there 'is' no love. Never was. It was all in your mind. And you miss that innocence. Of believing in love.  Of hugging someone and feeling you would die without him/her.  But you survived. Life, the shit that happens every day, 24x7, is real. Love is a fairy tale. 

While people write mushy status updates and “my life would have been incomplete without you” quotes, I will save that for later (perhaps when I need to write a feel-good blog to make myself believe I am happy). Today – when my mind is about to burst (thanks to endless work calls and a never-ending to-do list), I wanted to remind myself of something important. It’s been almost 10 years of being in an arranged marriage. Where my "love" is reflected (or so I say every time my hubby complains) in the daily routine of ensuring everything – from our daughter to sofa cushions, tax documents, groceries, bill payments, and the family’s happiness - is taken care of perfectly. Cost? An anti-stress pill at the end of the day! Sometimes, 5-10 minutes of crying my heart out.  Reward? Satisfaction of not giving up yet. Sukoon ... of people whom God chose to be in my life. Waking up to non-eventful days – every day! But…In between everything, I did something I had wanted to do for

You give up "snooze and snuggle sleep" to cook and pack lunch at peace before the cacophony starts You stop listening to your favorite songs on a loop and humming them because, apparently, no one likes your kind of music You stop watching movies because there is always a child to attend to, a household to run, and recipes that only you can cook. And then, one day, you can't remember your favorite movies You stop complaining and expecting from people around and smile wider to compensate for the void Pretend you can manage it all... Give up your anger and the habit of slamming doors or breaking things... Let go of the loud laughter, rain walks, beach strolls... You find yourself changing a little every day... Till you create a you, whom you do not recognise anymore.

  "रोज़ की ज़िन्दगी को मुस्कुराके में बताती हूँ में खुश हूँ क्योंकि वो भी खुश है अपनी दुनिया में मेहफ़ूज़ है"

 Mastered putting thoughts to words over the years! Generate million-dollar leads with the right words! Yet… Stay awake all night. Struggling to fill the void in my heart with words. A void that grows each night And will keep growing. Till it engulfs me. Death! They call it. But does death come so easily? I wish it does. I wish it doesn’t. 

 When "hope you're fine" emails from months back keep you awake When you wish to never see the light of the day But "I need Mumma" cries jolts you back to reality Realization dawns. Inflicting pain on yourself is more addictive than love.  Or alcohol. Being busy is a bliss that you miss. Quarantine is a double-edged sword When feverish thoughts make you miss those caring hands that can never come back. Love was yesterday.  Today, all that you have is A desire to end it all. Note to self: Do not give away. Hold tight. It is only when everything seems lost, that all is saved.

Most nights, I wait for morning to tiptoe Waiting for the daily chores To throttle the cacophony in my mind Wondering, somewhere... If you too spend sleepless nights Thinking why did life throttle your love!