Love, relationships ...and all that jazz...

Last night I had a strange feeling! Slept at 2:30am…was talking to my estranged ex-boyfriend about relationships. Don’t know though whether to call him ‘ex’, but guess can call him so, since we, rather I, decided to move out since it won’t result in marriage.


I always thought it’s over…I have moved ahead. But then…all of a sudden…there came a mysterious lady…and made me insecure! He loves talking to him…guess my ego was hurt! ‘How the hell does he dare to love talking when he claims he is still in love??’ kinda feeling! Or was it just the thought of defeat? He is leaving me before I could leave him! Don’t know for sure…but nevertheless, I overreacted to the extent of having red swollen eyes and dizzy head.


Kiddish? I don’t mind being so!


And that’s when I thought of relationships…of all kinds. I heard somewhere, relationships are like sands…held loosely, it’s likely to remain intact…but the moment we try to close our palm, it slips away! I believed in that, believed in giving and having space…more of having rather than giving. So, it was ok as long as I talk to guys…but the moment he did that…I kinda felt cheated!


So…fight!! And then talk! And that’s when we realized how strange things are! I have been in and out of relationships…more often out than in! But…for some strange reason…I still ‘sort of’ love a person I met three years back for a brief while. That too was falling for some unknown face…though it’s a different story that I came to know the face later.


But that doesn’t make the story different. We accepted the reality, helped each other accept, and moved on! But a part of me is still in past, guess a major part of me! And accepting that, I talked of relationships, of love, of settling down! Tried that out too…but didn’t work! And I know why it didn’t…it never could!


Ok…coming back to that mysterious lady…she made me wonder what can happen in marriage. A neglected stalked beautiful wife of a well-to-do guy who spends most of his time on tours…there is nothing wrong in her trying to find love in virtual world! And there is nothing wrong in his love (or liking, as he puts it) either….But what I fail to wonder is why did it shook my real logical world? Is it love… possessiveness…or just ego?


I remember someone telling me once, I never check my wife’s mail even if she asks me to…who knows…she might have someone who loves her …and they share a beautiful relationship. Why should I destroy that when I can’t love her?


True!! He had his own reasons for saying that…given the fact that he too has always loved someone but his wife. I argued…there should be nothing secret between two people who live together. He thought otherwise…and told that it makes life easier! Maybe! I always realize how true his words are long after I argue with him!


And last night I realized…like always…how true he was! Had I not peeped into my estranged ex-boyfriend’s chat history just out of curiosity, the cat would have remained inside the bag…and I would have been cool. They too would have continued their way! And who knows…maybe he would have realized why I can never come out of a ‘myth’ love…and the ‘myth’ can also never come out of love….


Or maybe…had he not peeped into my chat history a year ago, we would have ended up in a comfortable matrimony!


Maybe because all the while we think that we have outgrown love…but it’s actually the other way round!


Anyway…gotta go back to work!!! Good realization on the last day of the year!! Just hoping to get more logical and less emotional in the coming year! Wish me luck!