If Only...

If you could see through my silence, you would know

There are so many emotions I am afraid to show

I surprise myself often, that too at alarming frequency. Last couple of days has been introspective, with me looking back in time to see how I have changed. Apparently, I haven’t. I still wear the same smile. But didn’t I?

Yes, I did. I come across happy-go-lucky to strangers, people I call friends, or rather to people who call me a friend. But somewhere down the line, I have lost that faith. That innocence to trust people blindly and give away my deepest secrets! I grew up, and in the process, I lost that part which I thought I would never lose.

Is that how you lose all that you treasure? One fine day you wake up to find it gone…forever. It takes time to sink in, and then you get used to the loss. And you grope for emotions in the darkness of your mind. In those long lost alleys of broken trust and unfulfilled promises.

But I do count on few people to make me happy. I do count on few people to hurt me at regular intervals, making me feel am not yet numb enough. I do count on few people to make me smile, be it any time of the day.

And it was on one such smiling conversation that I realized I am too afraid to give in perhaps, and too afraid to let go. The conversation, like all others, was honest enough making me realize that I tend to make the other person feel untrustworthy (now is there any such word?), while I care deep down.

And I realized perhaps I can risk it once again. Risk my smile and innocence. Risk being myself! Perhaps the biggest risk of all, but maybe I can do it one more time. One last time perhaps!!

I will…try to at least. That’s my promise to myself, and to all those smiley that I throw through out the day.