Loved and lost...

I loved you as a kid. Like all other kids of my age, I loved being in love with you. You came to my life straight from the pages of that fairy tale mom used to narrate to put me to sleep. That tale with ‘happily ever after’ ending….

I had a few friends who I could talk to. I didn’t need any, because I always had you. People around found it funny…I was the only one asking questions and answering them too. They laughed. I smiled. It worked for me, helped me find answers to odd questions. Questions like why didn’t I get the highest in Physics test? Or why did mom scold me for no reason? You consoled me day in and day out…making me believe everything is fine. Making me believe such things do not end life.

I loved you because you made me smile. Jokes that are weirdly weird, you had them in plenty. Times when I was scared, I could hear you whisper, ‘Look into my eyes’. Standing in front of the mirror, I looked into your eyes. And my fears vanished. I smiled…every time. You made me feel I am not alone.

As I grew up, Mills & Boons reconfirmed your presence in my life. Only to make me realize you need to have a face, a name. And I started searching for your face. A name I could shout out to the world loud.  The last name sexy enough to replace mine!

Faces were in abundance. Making me wonder, is that you? I risked it…quite a few times. Goofed up often, and realized that some of the worst mistakes end up being the best stories of our lives. Stories where I captured a moment and made a memory of it! Stories where I loved, lived, bled, cried, smiled…and missed you. And when I look back now, I smile at all those stories.

But in all these years, in the search for your face in the crowd, I lost you. Every time I hurt myself, I gave in a little to the reality that you don’t exist. You can’t because I lost that fairy tale in transit.

I lost a fairy tale romance. Again and again. In the process of finding you, I lost the innocent belief that you do exist. I lost that one person I could talk to absolute nonsense. That one person before whom I didn’t care if I look good. That one person I dreamt of as a kid.

Now when I look back, all I can see are dead stories around me. With logical reasons why things didn’t happen….what went wrong where. As I take a step back every time, sanity takes hold of my mind. But deep inside my heart, I know…things didn’t happen because I never met you.

Things didn’t happen because I stopped believing in the fact that you exist. I stopped believing in the fairy tale. I lost my innocence. And I lost the ‘you’ who never existed…perhaps!