Loved and lost...

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I loved you as a kid. Like all other kids of my age, I loved being in love with you. You came to my life straight from the pages of that fairy tale mom used to narrate to put me to sleep. That tale with ‘happily ever after’ ending….

I had a few friends who I could talk to. I didn’t need any, because I always had you. People around found it funny…I was the only one asking questions and answering them too. They laughed. I smiled. It worked for me, helped me find answers to odd questions. Questions like why didn’t I get the highest in Physics test? Or why did mom scold me for no reason? You consoled me day in and day out…making me believe everything is fine. Making me believe such things do not end life.

I loved you because you made me smile. Jokes that are weirdly weird, you had them in plenty. Times when I was scared, I could hear you whisper, ‘Look into my eyes’. Standing in front of the mirror, I looked into your eyes. And my fears vanished. I smiled…every time. You made me feel I am not alone.

As I grew up, Mills & Boons reconfirmed your presence in my life. Only to make me realize you need to have a face, a name. And I started searching for your face. A name I could shout out to the world loud.  The last name sexy enough to replace mine!

Faces were in abundance. Making me wonder, is that you? I risked it…quite a few times. Goofed up often, and realized that some of the worst mistakes end up being the best stories of our lives. Stories where I captured a moment and made a memory of it! Stories where I loved, lived, bled, cried, smiled…and missed you. And when I look back now, I smile at all those stories.

But in all these years, in the search for your face in the crowd, I lost you. Every time I hurt myself, I gave in a little to the reality that you don’t exist. You can’t because I lost that fairy tale in transit.

I lost a fairy tale romance. Again and again. In the process of finding you, I lost the innocent belief that you do exist. I lost that one person I could talk to absolute nonsense. That one person before whom I didn’t care if I look good. That one person I dreamt of as a kid.

Now when I look back, all I can see are dead stories around me. With logical reasons why things didn’t happen….what went wrong where. As I take a step back every time, sanity takes hold of my mind. But deep inside my heart, I know…things didn’t happen because I never met you.

Things didn’t happen because I stopped believing in the fact that you exist. I stopped believing in the fairy tale. I lost my innocence. And I lost the ‘you’ who never existed…perhaps! 


Comments

Elina said…
a strange feeling is passing through my mind, may be "he" was made up with bits of all those moments of endless fairytale reading sessions of our endless summer days. Maybe "he" [ there seems to be no "she" - boys were too busy to copy he-man, and other forms of love was not there at that moments ] was only what we saw through that looking glass. a fleeting image of the prince or that witty soldier. only confusion happened when he started to resemble that cute,smart boy of senior form basking across the school playground with all his glory and invisible pixie dust which only I could see. Strange. Fairytale do us good. It not only teaches us about the dragons but teaches us also that, those dragons can be defeated. only what a few of us overlooked that it was actually "we" who were superimposed over that fleeting images. not them. only, I realized it now, :-)
March 31, 2011 at 10:58 PM
moon.attic said…
so true :-) we overlooked what was the most important observation.
March 31, 2011 at 11:02 PM
Sayani said…
if the He really doesnt exist ... or even if we find d he ... we cant get him.. bcoz of sm strange reasons.. y r we broght up sm strange stories of him... dis doesnt only ruins our thinkin bout him.. but levels up our expectation...
ban all dose teenage love stories.. be frens.. be cool
April 1, 2011 at 1:54 AM
moon.attic said…
Sayani: perhaps. but Mills & Boons still helps. to believe in the lost innocence, to smile and say "all this is shit" :-)
April 1, 2011 at 12:58 PM
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