Letting go...

As another year comes to an end, time for resolution again! Over the past few weeks, I have been thinking what is it that I need to consciously work on! From being more social to emotion management, thoughts have been myriad, making me realize if there is something I need to focus on most, it is letting go!

Letting go of past, memories, dead relationships, people who doesn’t matter anymore, email conversations, gifted songs, recorded voices, greetings, old tees, restaurant bills …the list is endless! I always assumed holding on to my present is much easier because I have an ‘ideal could have been’ in my mind.

But then, I hear of death of a distant family, one that has moved my parents a lot, and oddly, did not move me at all. Which brought me back to something my best friend shared sometime back (I quote him here):  “It was a fun evening yesterday ...Going out with some of the favorite people on the beat. It was also the evening which brought death in the family...yet again. So in between my drinks I kept checking if the body has been released or whether my uncle (whose wife passed away) was doing okay. Like a good son I offered money to my dad too! 'Tell me how much you need ...I will transfer when the banks open on Monday’ ...  Then cut the call to ask the waiter to repeat the order.” His emotionlessness perturbed him to a great extent, and my advice was only – it happens!

As I introspect, I realize I have been the same. Over the years that I have stayed away from my family, I have learnt to live for myself more than for anyone else. Almost bordering on being emotionless – death doesn’t bother me anymore, I can keep my cool when someone is ill and do the needful, and I survive for myself. Long back, I received an advice: “Do not let anything/ anyone touch the core of your soul. You’ll have no knight in shining armor.” I took it to heart and turned my heart to stone, apparently.

Which makes me wonder, does living away for long makes me less caring? Apparently, I am a daughter my parents are proud of, a daughter-in-law my in-laws love to boast of, a wife my husband seems to be in love with.  When I introspect, I do fit in to all these roles (mostly) to perfection. But the distance, it gives me the comfort of saying without meaning much. And I thrive in that comfort.

Over time, I have mastered the art of ‘out of sight, out of mind’ (except for some people). Maybe I have seen too much to be affected by anything grave, maybe I have started believing ‘If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stranger’, maybe I have become fragmented! But things don’t move me now – not love, not ailment, not death, not coming in, not going away! It only makes me stop awhile, then move on.

Perhaps I have seen life more closely than most other, or perhaps I have shielded myself from life than many others would! Perhaps I am too much in love with Eliot, and have started living his characters unknowingly.

Perhaps….