On the edge of happiness...

In an attempt to find life, I found you. It seems ages now. I am trying to swim in the waters passed you. Swim across the waters. Sea-sickness…that’s what you gave me. And an irresistible sea-walking desire on a full moon night. Tears…flood…rain…waterfall…life… Love…expectation…a half-forgotten song… Your memories of me...vouchsafed! A chill goes down my spine. Too many words, fears, desires, anxieties, craving, expectations, promises, and broken hearts! You and I are lost in the game we played.

I often want to walk back home. At moments when I’m mad at somebody, or pissed off by a certain situation, or have that unexplainable sense of pain deep inside, my idea of solace is home. A place where I can find myself, mend myself. Or even break myself. Five years away from the place I grew up in, I know for sure the bonds have loosened. Not that I was ever deeply attached to anybody. Yes, a close-knit loving family I have, which often made me wonder am I emotionally numb to feel that depth of love? And to compensate, I end up visiting my family often. To make myself believe I love being at home. I do love them, but then again, when I come to think of it – what if I lose them all of a sudden? The answer is – perhaps the pain would last few minutes, or days. But not something that would break me. And that haunts me. The pain of not being able to feel any pain! The pain of being emotionally numb and logical… the pain of watching my heart fight my mind, and then realizing emotions ar...

When I told my mom that my ex-roomy is coming over from Dubai for a vacation, her first assumption was Hyderabad is a halt before she goes to Kolkata to meet her parents and in-laws. But the fact that she won’t be in Kolkata and will be spending her 10-day vacation in Hyderabad with her friends came as a shock to her. Leaving her 8-month old hubby (that he is 3-year old boyfriend as well is another question) back in Dubai just to spend time with her friends will come as a shock to many. And the fact that her hubby has planned this vacation for her, neatly packed gifts and liters of tequila for her friends would be more shocking. But is it? To me, it’s more of giving space to each other. Understanding the fact that the concept two-souls-as-one is Utopian and each person is an individual before being a spouse. Each will have their own set of friends, likes and dislikes. It’s more of respecting the individualism and trusting the other person enough to let go. Coming to think of it, lo...

Pitch dark... two in the morning…fifth floor terrace…and weather update – low pressure for next couple of days. Wind literally blowing us away…rain hitting our face…and a shivering us. A soft whisper – “Close your eyes. Trust the wind, spread your arms”. That was my moment of belief, believe that I can fly. That was my moment of love, a love that soaked me. That was my first night in the city – Hyderabad. With a friend I hardly knew then, but knew he is destined to be a friend for a good chunk of my life. Rain made us realize we share a lot in common. We did. From rain-walks to midnight pangs of hunger, from last minute ‘need to complete this’ to missing assignment deadlines, from exploring beef joints to oversleeping to miss lunch, from being human alarms for each other to kicking each other out of the bed to sleep….we did it all. They say you look back to connect the dots. Now when I look back, I realize that my first week of Hyderabad had been such that I can never leave the city...