On the edge of happiness...

The dusty mornings turn to flying kites Wonder why, the happy togetherness of walking Suddenly wishes to be a parachute… Yet, the fairy tale knows… Spring doesn’t spring eternal! And… warmth fades…

Seems too odd to have this as a come-back post, but then, this is it. Of late, I realized alienating people whom I have once held close is my favorite pastime. Sometimes intentionally, but often it’s unintended. And this is not a recent favorite; it has been so all through. That which grows on you, and you realize it when you’re neck deep in it! More like falling in love. You always ‘think’ it’s not that difficult to fall apart till you sense the need to hold on to it, because that’s all you probably have to live through other mad things. Coming back to alienation, rather looking back at it – I realize there are so many people whom I have alienated. People who once mattered in my life, who made my days bright and nights insomniac, who accounted for my four-figure phone bills… I let them all go. One by one, but eventually all! No, I don’t repent; I just wonder…when did this all happen? Elizabeth Bishop has been a favorite for a decade now, for she taught me early in life tha

Like the smell of the wet earth, the first drop of rain, the warmth of sunshine on a wintry afternoon, the cool darkness of my room on a sultry day… I desire you! Like the smell of petrol or kerosene, midnight ice cream pangs, smell of new books, or new paint, like the aroma of mom’s cooking… Not love, but desire! Uninhibited! Not for bad things, but for mad things. Because you are my idea of breaking the chains that I could never break, going to places where I could never be… Perhaps selfish, but the desires remain. In all that I do, in all that I say. On days when it gets on to my nerves, I throw tantrums. On those who love me. On those who don’t. How do I care? But most days, I am sober. With smiles, understanding, and even measured misunderstanding…because a wise friend once advised, “Never let anything touch the core of your soul. You’ll have no savior in shining armor.” With an untouched soul, I settle for what I deserve. Even when I have things m

A small south-facing balcony White cane chairs, potted plant Dream…blotted! House loan, EMI, tax savings Grocery shopping… Reality…bloomed! Full moon, sea-walk, strumming Lunching on classics, dining on Marquez Dreams… strangled! Vacations perfectly planned “I am not hungry” said often, Reality…smiled! Endless conversation, nonsense talks Adventure of stealing a kiss in public Laughing at stupidest things Dreams…pouted! Exhausted conversations, wry smiles Commercials to fill the daily soap named life Look backs at what-ifs and wish… Reality winked! Long drives, binge drinking… Friends, “Boss, you won’t believe…” Tea at three in the morning Dreams…buried! Price hike, do not drink and drive! Ransacking phone book to talk to… Vodka shots to sleep Reality…somber! Someone once said: “Do not let the smile fade” And you still smile at that!

All my life has been a walk, from one destination to another. At times, people around have set the destination for me, but most often, I have set them for myself. Justifies my not being repentant for whatever I have been through, because good or bad was a conscious choice I made!   I have had detours, diversions. Some for the heck of it, some out of compulsion. But in all my detours and diversions, you have been a signal post at every crossing. Perhaps defunct, but nevertheless, existed. Signal post…that reminds me, I know not from when it existed. Was it from the time you came into my life? Or the day you chose to take the first exit right? From the time my quest began? Or the day I realized the quest is futile? I remember my first looking back, my first smile, my first pouting…even my first anger. All my firsts to be precise, only to realize my firsts do not equate with the world. It’s all in my mind…a world of its own. Firsts I revisit often, smile at, even fight for.

Opposites attract! How often have you heard this? More importantly, how often have you felt this? A desire to befriend a person who is unlike you, thinks what you can’t, does what you don’t, or eats what you don’t (or vice versa). Someone who is altogether different, yet a chord binds you somewhere… and pulls a string of similarity. For me, all my life I’ve been friendly with people who are like me, unlike me, and even to those who dislike me. Making most of them feel I’m so like them. Except few! Or one to be precise! When not similarity, but the difference pulled me in. Leaving that and me aside, I wonder – is it all about complementing? What works best in a relationship? A friend of mine, who echoes almost all my thoughts (and fights on those he does not) once said that it’s important to complement each other in a relationship. Someone who you can appreciate for the qualities you don’t have or have lost. Something as simple as child-like innocence! That was the most apt e