Signal Post

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All my life has been a walk, from one destination to another. At times, people around have set the destination for me, but most often, I have set them for myself. Justifies my not being repentant for whatever I have been through, because good or bad was a conscious choice I made!  

I have had detours, diversions. Some for the heck of it, some out of compulsion. But in all my detours and diversions, you have been a signal post at every crossing. Perhaps defunct, but nevertheless, existed.

Signal post…that reminds me, I know not from when it existed. Was it from the time you came into my life? Or the day you chose to take the first exit right? From the time my quest began? Or the day I realized the quest is futile?

I remember my first looking back, my first smile, my first pouting…even my first anger. All my firsts to be precise, only to realize my firsts do not equate with the world. It’s all in my mind…a world of its own. Firsts I revisit often, smile at, even fight for. Only to realize the fights will yield no result, the drudgery would continue… the smile that I flash would only be brighter with time.

Which makes me wonder often, are you just a dream that I never wanted to turn real? A dream to fall back on, but one I would have never dreamt of turning it to reality. If you are as real as grocery shopping, what would be left to imagine?

You have been a signal, defunct, but one to which I have come back again and again…after all my detours and diversions. A touchy touching point in between my search for destinations... a point I am possessive about to share with the world. A love that never existed, because you never existed… except to help me love myself and others around me!

Defunct that you are, you made me wonder why you have to cross my path often. Or is it me who choose to cross you? To make myself realize all it takes to smile is ignore your loses for those that care, to thank them for being there, for one day there might not be anyone. To make me learn to fly when I had nothing solid to stand up on…to help me say “Happens!”

In all my detours and diversions, you remain a defunct signal post at every crossing. And I believe I have been the same for you.

Wait! No…I haven’t been the one for you. For you exist nowhere in real. 

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