silver...
Twenty five long years…long and eventful…at times uneventful…
Can’t help but wonder…what if…
What if?? What if what?? These ‘what ifs’ surround my existence today…weird but true!!
Ok…getting down to the point…actually I have nothing better to do…its Thursday night (will be Friday soon…maybe by the time I publish this) …am tired and bored and intellectually and emotionally drained out…done with all my rituals (I mean courtesy calls to all my friends and relatives)…waiting for God knows what (now how is He supposed to know if I myself don’t)… thinking should go to bed as I have to drag myself to office tomorrow (or today…whatever)… and in between these thoughts, am comfortably typing down all these stupid thoughts!!
Wait? Are they really stupid? The stupidest is yet to come!!
Have been thinking of writing for quite a few days now…but its not happening! So now, with nothing better to do, thought would as well give it a try!
Coming back to what I started off with…twenty five long years…and now when I look back…I see many things I could have done…
Was talking to my mom today and she told me that Apu Pisi (the maid who used to work in our house when I was in second standard) is not well…she is having TB and jaundice and other complexities. My immediate reaction was…feeling bad…and then asking mom to help her with some money...enough to bring a smile on her face! But is it enough? Now…when I think after an hour…I feel like catching the next flight back home…visiting her…giving her a tight hug and saying, “don’t worry, trust me…everything will be fine.” But then, money matters more than my tightest hug, so let it be!
What if I could do that?? I would have been happy…
What if as a kid, I could bunk my math classes for theater workshop…
What if I could talk to my first crush once before brushing aside his proposal….
You know what…I still remember the first letter...seemed more like a civics book (with what if caste-ism comes in the way) then…and now when I look back…seems life was so simple then!!
Twenty five…and others see me successful! Determined, strong willed, diligent, etc. etc. I have a job that pays me well enough for now…I can afford my whims…I have my career the way I wanted it to be!!
Enough, isn’t it? Is it?
I wanted to do something that can add colors to my creativity…even if that meant not buying branded clothes…having dinner at roadside dhabas instead of multi-cuisine restaurants.
I would have happily stayed awake the whole night thinking of an ad idea (that’s just a random example) than sleep with the AC on…but ideas don’t always change your life baby!! So I chose a flashy firm with an okayish pay package…thinking that some day…I will do what I want to! But will I? Will I ever be able to come out of this comfort zone?
Once on my way back to Kolkata, I was passing by an unknown station. The route was new (since trains were diverted because of flood)...it was dusk…the train stopped at an unknown station. Surrounded by rocky hillocks, the station had just a thatched hut…and a hurricane hung. I felt a craving to get down and spend a night there…don’t know why! I knew the best thing I could do for myself was to get down and be there…to find the lost me. But then, my parents were waiting at the station waiting for me to finish my 40-hour long journey. So…I did the sanest thing I could do…promised myself that someday I would come back to spend a night….life is after all a long journey.
But will I? Trains won’t be diverted anymore…and even if they are…I won’t travel. Now, I prefer to fly, who will waste a day when I can be there in two hours! I wonder (read doubt) if I will ever be able to fulfill the promise I made to myself…if ever I will be able to meet myself there…
But then…who cares?? I don’t!! I am happy…a nameless station can keep me awake for some nights… but then…promises are meant to be broken! Even if that means breaking yourself!!
“What do you mean by breaking yourself? Be strong girl!!! Stop this train of stupid thoughts and go off to sleep!” – says my rational self.
Yeah…the train left the station years ago!! Time for me to hit the bed!
Signing off for now…
Can’t help but wonder…what if…
What if?? What if what?? These ‘what ifs’ surround my existence today…weird but true!!
Ok…getting down to the point…actually I have nothing better to do…its Thursday night (will be Friday soon…maybe by the time I publish this) …am tired and bored and intellectually and emotionally drained out…done with all my rituals (I mean courtesy calls to all my friends and relatives)…waiting for God knows what (now how is He supposed to know if I myself don’t)… thinking should go to bed as I have to drag myself to office tomorrow (or today…whatever)… and in between these thoughts, am comfortably typing down all these stupid thoughts!!
Wait? Are they really stupid? The stupidest is yet to come!!
Have been thinking of writing for quite a few days now…but its not happening! So now, with nothing better to do, thought would as well give it a try!
Coming back to what I started off with…twenty five long years…and now when I look back…I see many things I could have done…
Was talking to my mom today and she told me that Apu Pisi (the maid who used to work in our house when I was in second standard) is not well…she is having TB and jaundice and other complexities. My immediate reaction was…feeling bad…and then asking mom to help her with some money...enough to bring a smile on her face! But is it enough? Now…when I think after an hour…I feel like catching the next flight back home…visiting her…giving her a tight hug and saying, “don’t worry, trust me…everything will be fine.” But then, money matters more than my tightest hug, so let it be!
What if I could do that?? I would have been happy…
What if as a kid, I could bunk my math classes for theater workshop…
What if I could talk to my first crush once before brushing aside his proposal….
You know what…I still remember the first letter...seemed more like a civics book (with what if caste-ism comes in the way) then…and now when I look back…seems life was so simple then!!
Twenty five…and others see me successful! Determined, strong willed, diligent, etc. etc. I have a job that pays me well enough for now…I can afford my whims…I have my career the way I wanted it to be!!
Enough, isn’t it? Is it?
I wanted to do something that can add colors to my creativity…even if that meant not buying branded clothes…having dinner at roadside dhabas instead of multi-cuisine restaurants.
I would have happily stayed awake the whole night thinking of an ad idea (that’s just a random example) than sleep with the AC on…but ideas don’t always change your life baby!! So I chose a flashy firm with an okayish pay package…thinking that some day…I will do what I want to! But will I? Will I ever be able to come out of this comfort zone?
Once on my way back to Kolkata, I was passing by an unknown station. The route was new (since trains were diverted because of flood)...it was dusk…the train stopped at an unknown station. Surrounded by rocky hillocks, the station had just a thatched hut…and a hurricane hung. I felt a craving to get down and spend a night there…don’t know why! I knew the best thing I could do for myself was to get down and be there…to find the lost me. But then, my parents were waiting at the station waiting for me to finish my 40-hour long journey. So…I did the sanest thing I could do…promised myself that someday I would come back to spend a night….life is after all a long journey.
But will I? Trains won’t be diverted anymore…and even if they are…I won’t travel. Now, I prefer to fly, who will waste a day when I can be there in two hours! I wonder (read doubt) if I will ever be able to fulfill the promise I made to myself…if ever I will be able to meet myself there…
But then…who cares?? I don’t!! I am happy…a nameless station can keep me awake for some nights… but then…promises are meant to be broken! Even if that means breaking yourself!!
“What do you mean by breaking yourself? Be strong girl!!! Stop this train of stupid thoughts and go off to sleep!” – says my rational self.
Yeah…the train left the station years ago!! Time for me to hit the bed!
Signing off for now…
Comments
Touchy thinking.