Am I?

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Another weekend, an almost normal one. Except some crazy living-life moments… moments of caring and sharing…of togetherness!

With usual dose of laziness! Have been lazing around the whole day, canceling plans (some serious ones, like appointment with optometrist), having good-old-hostel favorite Maggi for lunch, home delivered dinner (Told mom that I cooked in the morning…liar me!!), watching movies, reading up, and having soul-talks. In short, wanting to be alone. And more importantly, being alone!

Which brings me to the obvious question – Am I a loner? With loads of friends around, laughter and endless crazy plans, why do I suddenly shut the world out? Much like ‘I shut my eyes and the world drops dead’! Why do I feel this urge to be alone at times? Absolutely alone!  Why can’t I talk to people around (as my friends do to me, even at wee hours of the night) to sort things out that bother me? Is it because I am scared to trust people? Or I love myself too much to share my deepest thoughts?

Why do I have this ‘I can handle this all by myself’ feeling? I know I can, but isn’t this the feeling of a loner? Not that I complain being a loner, just curious. Curious about myself. Trying to find an answer to the question – am I?

Shutting the world out has been more of a habit now. While I try to come out of this odd habit, I doubt if I will ever be able to. SWOT-ing out situations, relationships (and the workability of it), characters, somewhere down the line I do know what I am. And what I want.

But another truth is…every time I say no, I die a little! Believe me…I do! 



Comments

suds said…
ahem ahem...we are in the same track lady....
April 22, 2011 at 10:08 PM
moon.attic said…
Well...don't know if saying happy to know that would be apt here. But feels comfortable to know somebody is on the same river, if not on the same boat (since same boat would be intruding into loneliness) :)
April 23, 2011 at 10:23 AM
Jay said…
i know how you feel, but just think about what you have, and you'll feel better. :)
April 25, 2011 at 6:50 AM
pratim said…
dil ka kya hai... dil toh dil hai... dhundhtha hai fursat ke raat din....
April 27, 2011 at 2:20 AM
pratim said…
dil ka kya hai... dil toh dil hai... dhoondhtha hai fursat ke raat din.
April 27, 2011 at 2:21 AM
Kakoli Mukherjee said…
Hi, really liked the post. I too,sometimes, feel the same way as you do.I abhor human company at such times, and don't want to follow any kind of routine..though such prolonged escapism might turn one into a social recluse I am afraid...

Anyways..do keep writing:)
September 8, 2011 at 3:03 PM
Anonymous said…
Well, Yes U R a Loner. so wats da harm in it?? U r a Loner cuz u hav ur own individuality and a thought pattern way above the average race. I might sounding very high handed but its a fact. Its a rare trait as well. Its not bout loving too much urself or the issue of trusting! its about the rightness of doing so, wen ull find someone or the time will come things will come out. No issues, no hard feelings!
November 27, 2011 at 8:52 PM
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