Do I need you?

At moments, I miss you. Moments when I talk to my mom about stupid non-happenings, and she suddenly asks about you. Moments when I am happy for nothing, or want to go binge drinking because am bored. Moments when I work out at the gym and have ice-cream pangs, or want a city ride at three in the morning to fly in the air. But then I know, you would laugh it off as my childishness, and give me a ‘grow up honey’ kiss. The kiss would remain, and I would touch my cheek every once in a while for nothing.

And at other times, I do miss you. Times when I am in a mood not to talk to anybody, do nothing, be no one.  Times when I get tired being a daughter, sister, friend, listener, even lover. Times when I wish invention should be such that my phone should be switched off for the whole world but you. But then I know you wouldn’t call. You would mistake my silence as my need to stay alone and leave me with a warm hug. The warmth would linger, long after you leave. Just like your smell.

And on days, I do want to hug you. Days when we bump into each other at a public place, and you give me that warm smile. Days when I see you discussing work with a grave face, taking an important call, or planning a dinner out with friends. Not on Fridays, but on Mondays. Days when I see you busy with meetings, and I want to get lost to nowhere with you. But then I know you wouldn’t lose yourself. You would take my pouting as another whim and shelve it. You would hold my hand a little longer, give me a ‘try and understand baby’ look, and leave for your meeting. The hand holdings would linger, making me look at my hand and smile at myself while I type in.

And on evenings, I do want to hold you. Evenings when you are busy with your work and ask me of my plans. Evenings when I go out shopping with my gang, and you call to check if I am enjoying. Evenings when I turn around and look for you to ask before buying a dress, and a friend compliments. Evenings when I want to blush as you kiss me on my forehead at a shopping mall. But then I know you wouldn’t do that, because that looks so cheesy. You would hold me later and ask me if I enjoyed, and pull my leg as I say missed you. And I would hide my face and let you hold me tight, hoping you never leave me.

And on nights, I do want to sleep beside you. Nights when no movies or song can lull me to sleep, no books seem to register in my mind. Nights when my otherwise small apartment seems too big to stay alone, and too small to call friends to stay over! Nights when I just want to curl up beside you and sleep peacefully. And even sleep talk, as I used to do as kid. Knowing you would be there to overhear and laugh at it while sharing with me next morning. And then play with my hair while I hide my face.  But then I know you wouldn’t stay. You would see my sleep talks as intruding in my space, and leave with a smile and warning. The warning would linger, making me wonder – did I say I don’t love you?

And then suddenly, you will ask if I need you?

Do you still need to ask?