On the edge of happiness...

Often, I pride myself in not looking like a Bong. Or behaving like one. Seven years out of Kolkata, my love for Bengal is limited to cooking some authentic non-veg Bengali dishes over the weekend (more to make my hubby teach and appreciate Bengali cuisine), watching back-to-back Bengali movies while I am in Kolkata (and searching for Torrents while am not), reading up Bengali authors voraciously (this being my teenage love, more than anything else), visiting Oly, Flurys, and Peter Cat religiously every time I am in Kolkata (believe me when I say, I have never been to Kalighat temple all my life), and roaming (or loafing) around in the streets of Kolkata, around Maidan, at Metro stations, at Esplanade, and CCD hopping with friends. Which made me logically argue with myself – so what if I am working during Pujo? So what if I am not in Kolkata? So what if I miss the first ‘sindoor khela’ of my life in Kolkata? So what if I have to listen to Park Street and Maddox Square crowds over...

A space in mind… for imagination! 4x2 feet balcony… to breathe! A4 size papers…to sketch a dream! Blog…to scribble! A smart phone… for midnight Angry Birds! Colorful bedside lamps… to fiddle with the switches! HIMYM…for smiles! Pillows…to talk to! Whatsapp…to connect! Glass paints…for rose tints! Books…for lonely burgers!

আজ অন্য আলোয় রঙিন আমি ...আঙুলে ঝলসায় হীরের আংটি । একলা থাকার ভয় , রাত জাগার অবসান ! তোমার "আবার আসবো ফিরে "-র ভরসার প্রয়োজন হয়তো ছিল , জরুরি ছিল না । শুধু কয়েকটা জরুরি কথা বাকি রয়ে গেছিলো : - সন্ধ্যে তারাটা তোমার কথা শুনেছে । "জীবন জুড়ে অবুঝ ভালবাসতে" বলেছিলে ...মনে আছে? তুলসীতলা নেই, আছে অফিস। তাই সন্ধ্যা-প্রদীপ জ্বালানো হয়না, কিন্তু অবুঝ ভালোবাসাটা আছে - যখন তখন আর তোমার গল্পগুলো মনে পরে না । মাঝে মাঝে পরলে কাজে ভুল হয়ে যায়, ভুলিয়ে রাখি নিজেকে, অভ্যাস হয়ে গেছে - প্রত্যাশারা বুঝদার, আবদার করে না । একলা রাতের কান্নাগুলো ও আর তোমায় ছুঁতে চায় না।তোমায় "ছুঁতে চাওয়ার মুহূর্ত" গুলোর আজ ছুটি .... - তুমি প্রায় একটা "non-existing dimension" এখন । ঠিক তোমার 'প্লান-বি' র মতন - ভালো আছি , ভালো থেকো ...শুধু আকাশের ঠিকানায় চিঠি লেখার আর দরকার নেই । চোদ্দ-তলার high-rise থেকে পরিষ্কার আকাশ দেখা গেলেও , আমার চোখটা গেছে খারাপ হয়ে । চশমা লেগেছে কিছুদিন হলো , দুরের জিনিস (অতীত ) দেখতে পাইনা আজকাল ভালো - শুধু সমুদ্র...

While friends have started noticing (and some complaining) about my long absence, here I am back with updates! You’ll see less of me here, and more of me on my other blog (keeping my fingers crossed that I won’t be lazy). Because though this blog reminds me of all that could have been and continues to be my favorite, the other blog demands my attention. Coming back to updates, a lot has been happening recently. For one, I changed my city. And moved to a city I never wanted to be in. But while am here, I realize it’s not that bad a city to live in. True, movie tickets cost a bomb, I am (yet) not allowed to roam around alone (and in public transport), free cookies that used to add on to my CTC no longer exist (free beverages compensate partly), binge drinking over the weekends are passé, but… This city has its own charm. More about the charm later! For now, getting back to work!

Did I lose you? Or did I lose myself? A sense of utter gloom and unfathomable numbness Engulfs me. They could have been the harbinger of blank verse, Of words I could never write. Of emotions that only you understand. But no words, no emotions erupt. The way they did, a lifetime back. The volcano is extinct. The burn pains. Perhaps, I have lost myself.

The dusty mornings turn to flying kites Wonder why, the happy togetherness of walking Suddenly wishes to be a parachute… Yet, the fairy tale knows… Spring doesn’t spring eternal! And… warmth fades…

Seems too odd to have this as a come-back post, but then, this is it. Of late, I realized alienating people whom I have once held close is my favorite pastime. Sometimes intentionally, but often it’s unintended. And this is not a recent favorite; it has been so all through. That which grows on you, and you realize it when you’re neck deep in it! More like falling in love. You always ‘think’ it’s not that difficult to fall apart till you sense the need to hold on to it, because that’s all you probably have to live through other mad things. Coming back to alienation, rather looking back at it – I realize there are so many people whom I have alienated. People who once mattered in my life, who made my days bright and nights insomniac, who accounted for my four-figure phone bills… I let them all go. One by one, but eventually all! No, I don’t repent; I just wonder…when did this all happen? Elizabeth Bishop has been a favorite for a decade now, for she taught me early in life tha...

Like the smell of the wet earth, the first drop of rain, the warmth of sunshine on a wintry afternoon, the cool darkness of my room on a sultry day… I desire you! Like the smell of petrol or kerosene, midnight ice cream pangs, smell of new books, or new paint, like the aroma of mom’s cooking… Not love, but desire! Uninhibited! Not for bad things, but for mad things. Because you are my idea of breaking the chains that I could never break, going to places where I could never be… Perhaps selfish, but the desires remain. In all that I do, in all that I say. On days when it gets on to my nerves, I throw tantrums. On those who love me. On those who don’t. How do I care? But most days, I am sober. With smiles, understanding, and even measured misunderstanding…because a wise friend once advised, “Never let anything touch the core of your soul. You’ll have no savior in shining armor.” With an untouched soul, I settle for what I deserve. Even when I have things m...

A small south-facing balcony White cane chairs, potted plant Dream…blotted! House loan, EMI, tax savings Grocery shopping… Reality…bloomed! Full moon, sea-walk, strumming Lunching on classics, dining on Marquez Dreams… strangled! Vacations perfectly planned “I am not hungry” said often, Reality…smiled! Endless conversation, nonsense talks Adventure of stealing a kiss in public Laughing at stupidest things Dreams…pouted! Exhausted conversations, wry smiles Commercials to fill the daily soap named life Look backs at what-ifs and wish… Reality winked! Long drives, binge drinking… Friends, “Boss, you won’t believe…” Tea at three in the morning Dreams…buried! Price hike, do not drink and drive! Ransacking phone book to talk to… Vodka shots to sleep Reality…somber! Someone once said: “Do not let the smile fade” And you still smile at that!

All my life has been a walk, from one destination to another. At times, people around have set the destination for me, but most often, I have set them for myself. Justifies my not being repentant for whatever I have been through, because good or bad was a conscious choice I made!   I have had detours, diversions. Some for the heck of it, some out of compulsion. But in all my detours and diversions, you have been a signal post at every crossing. Perhaps defunct, but nevertheless, existed. Signal post…that reminds me, I know not from when it existed. Was it from the time you came into my life? Or the day you chose to take the first exit right? From the time my quest began? Or the day I realized the quest is futile? I remember my first looking back, my first smile, my first pouting…even my first anger. All my firsts to be precise, only to realize my firsts do not equate with the world. It’s all in my mind…a world of its own. Firsts I revisit often, smile at, even f...