On the edge of happiness...

“The heart does heal and you will love like this again – except when you do, you'll deny that you ever loved like this before.” Read this a week back, thanks to a darling sister of mine. Smiled and called her to hear: “This is life…” which made me ponder. Wonder…is it some person we fall in love with? Or are we in love with the concept of love? Love with the thought of caring for someone? A sense of belongingness, care, understanding! Someone to fight with…and then make up! Someone to be with! I have often wondered, are we in love with the habit? Habit of loving, being together? And when that habit ceases to exist, we miss it for few days (or months) and then move on? Except for that one time, when true love touches us to last for a lifetime . And makes us smile every time we hurt ourselves. Having seen more break-ups than patch-ups over the past couple of months, and the alarming recovery speed, I wonder – how can one possibly move on so fast if in love? Or, how can one po...

No clue why am I sharing this! Perhaps because 'I have no choice' :-) Just wanted to thank that person who made me read the poetry first...in "I waited!!" :-)

February has been a roller coaster ride. Even before I realized, I found myself in the middle of many things. And now, I am kind of happy that February is about to end. No…don’t get me wrong! This has been a good month. To sort myself out! Well…kind of… For one, I seriously considered relocating to Kolkata. Twice or thrice I guess. Enough to make my mom feel something is wrong, and start with “Come back home” after days. And realized I am in love with Hyderabad. For weird reasons though! I am in love with the alleys of the city, the language which is still foreign to me.   And strange as it may sound, perhaps with my job too (and that’s the scariest realization)! Two, I had no idea of where I was going professionally, rather where life was taking me. So I did the best I could do. Trust people I believed in. Trusted in the fact that they know the ‘me’ I might not be aware of. And it paid off. Loved the fact that I can still trust people with my life! Three, I realized (for the...

Of all the things I have lost, I miss him the most. Someone who I have half lost to reality, and the other half fulfills me in my dreams. I always believed time is the best healer. It is! Well…usually! And exception proves the rule, isn’t it? Of all the fights I have fought, I fought with him the most. Someone who I hate so much one moment, and all it takes is just a look to melt. And get back to square one…as if nothing happened. I am an egoist! Well…people say so! But there are exceptions too…when your ego takes its power nap, isn’t it? Of all the loves I have loved, I loved him the most. Someone who came in just like that, and stayed! Understood me more than anyone could, loved me in spite of myself, cared for and pampered me like a child, treated me like a matured being. It’s impossible to un-love him. Well…not that I try to un-love anybody. It doesn’t make any sense even to try, isn’t it? Of all the cries that I cried, I cried in front of him the most. Someone who saw me in and ou...

Among what I have lost over the past few days, The most important is...connection with my soul! The procedure is tried and tested... But it doesn't apply to my life anymore!

W.H.Auden's Funeral Blues Words die silent death. Yes…they do! Emotions die…even intimacy. Like all other things in life, they die. Only difference being, it’s a one-man funeral. Have you ever wondered about guaranteed returns? How some things in life give you guaranteed returns! Like the effort you put in building your career! And how some things are so volatile! Like relationships! That distinguishes the animate from the inanimate. Which makes me think, why do we then invest in such volatile market (if I may dare call it so)? Is it because we love gambling? Winning gives us a high that nothing else can? Flaunting the win? Or is it just because we are humans…with emotions? Period! Will let words die a silent death. One-man funerals are important; they shape life like nothing else can!   

'What if "our" tomorrow never comes? Would you even know that I loved you?' This question is haunting me over past few days. In between work, casual chats, and deadlines, I keep asking myself this question. And every time it echoes back! We leave so many things unsaid, hoping people to read our minds. So many things we think can be postponed, because this is not the right time to blurt it, or so we presume. Will the world turn upside down if we say things that might sound childish? Let go off our ego and maturity just to face those feelings? Just live for the moment, love for the moment? Who knows what’s in store tomorrow, we might never get a chance to see our tomorrow…and might lose a chance of filling void with feelings. All said and done, I know that given a chance, even I would never blurt certain things out. Hence…this question will continue to haunt me till one fine day I poison it to die a painless death.

How often do you (un)willingly end up stalking someone? Out of habit! Something as simple as every time you open a networking site, you end up visiting a profile without even realizing. Or you hit the F5 key every 10 minutes! Or the moment you open your browser to type in Google.com, you end up typing a blog URL knowing well that there are no new updates! Things that you know are stupid, but can’t resist yourself from doing. Not that you gain anything out of it, or you have the right to react to the information you gain from there, but still… “We have grown up…from those days of first love, first crush, innocently following a girl, waiting for someone at the bus stop/ metro station” – is what a friend of mine had to say. That reminded me of a good old song – “Prothom prem’e porar por sobai postay…ei sohor jaane amar prothom sob kichu” (Everybody repents after falling in love for the first time…this city is a witness to all my firsts). I smiled. And wondered – have we? Or have we ...

This is the virtual rose that made me realize today's date! Was oblivious of today’s date, till an e-mail popped up…HAPPY ROSE DAY! Wished back…and chuckled. And was back to those days when Rose Day’s were big things. Those days when you found roses beside your school bag, and wondered who is it from… those days when a glance and a shy smile said it all.  Times change…we grow up, while wilted roses remain in between the pages of a long forgotten diary. Just as I convinced myself, “You have outgrown that romantic kid” and was planning to concentrate on what earned me bread, butter, and occasional drinks, the phone rang. A school friend! Got through medical PG and the first person he could think of to share his excitement was me. I sounded excited at his excitement, all the while thinking how certain things in life never change. He didn’t change, his friendship didn’t. Perhaps I did…and convinced myself that is the most natural thing in the world. Anyway, Rose Day has lost its ...

They say…take life with a pinch of salt! But what do you do when you love salty water… I mean sea?? Was just wondering…when will (if I ever do) I get out of this obsession of mine…and start taking life with a pinch of salt! Perhaps never…. Anyway, stupid thoughts of an insomniac me… Hope to get well soon!

A white canvas… Spray paints … Craziness… Some whims… Dreams… Some forgotten likings… Dew-eyed mornings… Cloudy afternoons… Love… Promises… Faith… A trust never to break trust… A beautiful mind And… Confident brush strokes… Colors life!

Tor jonyo shobdo khujey khujey amar byathar kabyo holo suru. Tor jonyo rong'er tuli hatey canvas'e rong hariye gelo sob. Tobu to tui du hath bhorey dis rongin paoa somoy khanik khon. Tobuo to ei ekla akash pay alto khushi'r mugdho alingon! Penned this down years back! Suddenly came across this and thought of keeping it safe here.

Friday morning…a lazy one! And especially after a hectic week, Fridays like this come as bliss. When I am back to being myself… A morning call woke me up, making me realize how childish I am. Somewhere down the line I still believe one morning call shapes my day – can make it good or bad. Hence I make it a point to feign sleep till I have my phone ringing! As long as I possibly can, perhaps! Odd…I know! But recent statistics prove that the days I miss that call, it’s a bad day! This recent odd habit of mine made me realize that even after years; I still miss that one person. When I look back now, I still see his pampering smile and eyes that reflects an odd confidence in me, which made me wonder many a times – will I be able to keep his faith? Since the time I remember knowing myself, no matter where-I-go, what-I-do, he has always been there. Even when the whole world questioned my beliefs, he is the only one who stood by me…making me realize if something is not worth dying for, t...

Sipping on life…was busy spending another sleepless night over something that really doesn’t matter much. Work can be a good medicine, and was only trying to put it to use when a friend pinged. Or I did? Anyway, it started off with buying a piece of land to die…. I know it sounds strange, but that’s the note on which we started off, with he questioning – isn’t death also life? I ended up answering, yup…perhaps a beautiful afterlife. The conversation continued in between work…discussing the only topic we invariably end up discussing – life! Whatever, I am not posting this to share our conversation. Just a word that struck me – a long forgotten one! Naale! He asked me if I remember this haunting word. I ransacked my brain but couldn’t, when he came up with “it means tomorrow in Malayalam…the last word of God of Small Things.” My first thought was: ‘Shit! What’s wrong with me! This is one word I loved…and grew up on! He remembers that I grew up on it, and I forgot what I grew up on!...