On the edge of happiness...

A lazy Saturday…with an unexplainable feeling of “donno what’s wrong”…or perhaps I do! Making me wonder, is sudden ‘the number you are trying to call is switched off’ enough to let my mind wander and wonder the whole night? Enough to wake up late with a bad migraine! And wanting to fast forward to Monday…so that I can find myself busy working. They say an idle brain is a devil’s workshop, and the devil that I am, my idle brain almost attains the level of being a perfectionist devil when it gets a chance. With some old songs playing over and over again , a chord suddenly stuck my mind. Attachment phobia! Was discussing the same with someone a few days back, advising rather. Only to end up with the realization I do not practice what I preach. Strange as it may seem, I don’t even miss the city I grew up in as much as I should. Miss those people in the city. NO! At times it feels good to think that I miss, but I don’t. I keep finding reasons to miss, make myself believe that I do, b

Do you believe in fairy tales? Or fairies? I don’t! But there was a time when I used to…only to realize that fairy tales don’t exist in reality. There was a time…when I believed in the existence of fairies…talked to them endlessly looking at the moon. Then reality dawned in, which I was quick enough to accept. Only to build a dream world of my own, shut the whole world out of it and continue with my occasional emotional escapades to that world till date. Don’t know if that makes life better or worse, but easier for sure! To accept that it’s perfectly fine to escape somewhere where nowhere can reach you, because it doesn’t exist in reality. Escapism is what you may choose to call it, I don’t care! As long as it makes me happy! Was thinking about the tail of a fairy tale last night. A parallel thought…if you know what I mean. Something that’s always at the back of your mind while you continue working! A fairy tale that never existed perhaps…except in the mind. Which made me attachme

Well…this had to come! Just to ensure that I do not lose my concentration and finish off some important work that I am in the middle of, this had to come! Past few days (or is it weeks now) have been good. With a desire to make this my year whatever it takes, things are happening the way I want them to happen. Professionally…YES! I kind of have an idea of what I want and where do I want to go, sort of a road map ready with a back-up plan of course! So it’s kind of just sitting back and watching things happen. And cutting off all the craps that people around has to say. I decided to turn deaf to the many well-wishers that I have. And pass them off with a smile. Helps! When you know where you want to go, makes sense to smile at those ‘concerned people’ around you. To begin with, I have stopped (or still trying to) tripping on my past. Living life by moments! For one thing, it is making me smile. Though am not too sure about the longevity of it, nevertheless, so far, so good. Last ni

Months back (or is it years now?) I wrote somewhere, “Naming certain relationships complicate life. So don’t!” From then on, and even before that, I believed in it. And now when I look back, I see more unnamed relationships than named. Not that I can’t give them a name, but I choose not to. Of course, to look at it, all of us have the convenient blanket term ‘friend’ to name it. But somewhere deep down inside, I do know that ‘friend’ does not state it all. Who do I call a friend? Someone who I have been interacting with regularly, share my thoughts and emotions with, or just go out shopping when I have nothing better to do. Or just some random people I say “What’s up dude? Have been thinking of you/ missing you…”? That reminds me…ever thought how “miss you too” is different from “miss you”? It is…trust me! How about missing a habit? As simple as the habit of talking to someone/ about something for hours! Do you miss the person or the habit if it’s curtailed one fine day? Or is it

Oops!! I know it’s a long gap for the series I started off with – The Deccan Chronicle! But then, better late than never. Was happily busy doing nothing, when was forced to go back to kind of boring work. And then it dawned, perhaps listing down the places would help me concentrate on my work. It’s just a to-visit list from someone who has been in the city for five years now, is absolutely in love with the city, and feels there is more to explore. While I promise to go into the details of each place sooner or later, here comes the list!     * Old City     * Charminar     * SalarJung Museum     * Golconda Fort     * Chowmahalla Palace     * Hussain Sagar     * Durgam Cheruvu     * Mahendra Hills     * Maula Ali More updates on these places soon! :-)

    * Old mails     * Chat histories (some of them)     * A Flight tag     * Songs sent by mail     * Late night conversations     * Text messages     * Small gifts – as small as chocolate wrappers     * Scribbling     * Moments – big and small     * Smiles     * Emotions spelt out     * Emotions not spelt     * Hand holdings     * Memories     * Old books     * Greetings cards     * A duster that I have since class VI     * Wilted rose in the pages of a long forgotten diary     * A silent lake     * Silent conversations     * ‘Nothing’s     * Pictures     * I’m around looks     * Laughter     * The first V-day card I ever got     * Relationships     * Understandings and misunderstandings     * Could have been’s     * If Only     * Slam books     * Letters     * Old friendship bands     * Wearing my dadabhai’s torn jeans     * Dad’s first gift     * Fighting over bills     * Orkut profile     * Midnight hugs     * Dawnish walks     * Memories of talking to the moon     * Walks     *

Unfaithfulness has become the order of the day My heart is in its eternal escapade Only you help me regain my senses And help my heart get back its abode My heart has skipped a beat after 1000 years Shadows search for their long-lost dreams A dying smile to end a tiring day Peaceful sigh…says it all! Disclaimer: Just a translation of an unpublished favorite poem of mine…that too half of it. Am sure the poet would hate to be known, hence…refraining from letting the world read the original piece, and leaving the translation half way!

Back I am! With nothing else to do (not that I ever had loads of work to crib about), thought would as well write something while waiting for a call. This again is long due. And springs from a complaint of a dear nursery friend – “Remember the last time we met?” Promised him that will meet next time I am in the city, whatever it takes. Also promised him to be in regular touch over phone – and trying to do that. He was (or perhaps still is) a good friend of mine. I remember him helping me out of homesickness, when all I did the whole day was crib about not being in Kolkata. Yahoo Messenger was the in thing then; and we had the voice chat turned on the whole day while we did our own work. The honk of cars and rickshaws gave me a feeling of being in Kolkata sitting 1700km away. For six months (or more) he made sure that I don’t miss the sounds of my city, my locality. Months later, as that craving gave way to acceptance; the voice chat was turned off. I had more important things to do

I remember writing as a kid, “freedom sans responsibility is disastrous…” least realizing that being over responsible is dangerous. The thought springs up from an advice to listen more to what my heart has to say. Never in my life have I denied the fact that am more emotional than logical. To nullify that, my mind has always been more important when it comes to make decisions. That short conversation threw me back to my introspective mode, making me realize once again that with freedom, I have learnt to be so responsible that somewhere deep down the line; I have learnt to ignore my heart.   Works well for me, since I have learnt to smile at life and move on with it. But now when I look back, I see a different me. Not that I repent. I am happy the way I am. And thankful from the bottom of my heart to those people who have helped me be what I am. Some more than others, but all nevertheless! And all of them renewed my sense of responsibility. Strange as it may seem, this sense of re

Sun in the earth… sunflower Bird in the air ...rain Eye within eye... daybreak Streets we have never walked on Windows we have never opened Hands we have never held Dreams we shall never...never see again Lives we have never lived Hopes ...we have never realized Fires we have never lit Loves we shall never... never make again I hear those strange whispers again....

"A thousand desires such as these A thousand moments to set this night on fire Reach out and you can touch them You can touch them with your silences You can reach them with your lust Rivers mountains rain Rain against a torrid hill’s cape A thousand A thousand desires such as these I loved rain as a child As a lost young man Empty landscapes Bleached by a tired sun And then And then suddenly it came Like a dark unknown woman Her eyes scorched my silences Her body wrapped itself around me Like a summer without end   Pause me hold me reach me Where no man has gone Crossing the seven seas With the wings of fire I fly towards nowhere And you Rivers mountains rain Rain against a scorched landscape of pain" (Note: One of my favorites...from Hazaron Khwaishein Aisi . Wanted to begin the year with something I love to live on. Hence...)