On the edge of happiness...

Forgot when it was last time that I had a New Year’s Eve plan in place. No…don’t get me wrong, its not that I intentionally tried to avoid people. It just didn’t happen! Work schedules, laziness…or blame it just to Facebook, where I am in regular touch with people I call friends. But as surprising as this year turned out to be, surprisingly I have a plan in place. In fact, a couple of them so to say! A part of me is excited to meet people I haven’t met for ages…renew old ties, another part is dreading the what-how-when-why’s that am sure would come up. Another dear part of me is silently wishing to be in my city…doing something I would have been really happy doing. The impulsive whimsical me wanted to go and give surprise to some people…its just four hours to-and-fro. But then the logical me took over, and I refrained. 2010 has been good. As long as I choose to look back at the smiles it has given me, the year has been awesome. Some awesome people in my life…awesome moments…and lesso...

Blank and numb that I am, a thought still runs in my head. Read as a child, “Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thoughts”, and lived by it, unknowingly. And yet again, it happened. They say penning down something helps you get it out of your mind. Tried it again. Result – the thought of this piece accompanied me even in my sleep. Thus, I have another piece of my heart laid down. The first piece, shared with very few (three to be precise), had reactions varying from ‘it’s the relation speaking’ to ‘Marquez-ian’ to a simple hug. This piece had only one reaction: “Don’t open up before the world.” I knew it throughout…but still, when you so fall in love with what you write…you need somebody to tell you “Don’t open up before the world.” Thanks to her for doing this…for letting me nurture some emotions close to heart. For being so like me and advising me to shut the world out! We do need to do this at times…shut the world out to let our sweetest songs be ‘only’ ours. And for...

With yet another year nearing its end, it’s time to move on. This song has no connection with what this year has been. When I look back now, the year has been honest and successful. It’s just about one realization with which I grew up this year: Fairy tales don’t exist. I didn’t want this song to get lost in loads of videos I share on Facebook. Want to come back to it and listen often, so keeping it safe somewhere where I spent ‘my’ moments of the day.  It's so hard to lose the one you love To finally have to say goodbye You try to be strong but the pain keeps holdin' on And all that you can do is cry Deep within your heart you know it's time to move on When the fairy tale that you once knew is gone When the last tear drop falls I'll still be holdin' on to all of our memories And all of what used to be When the last tear drop falls I will stand tall And know that you're here with me in my heart When the last tear drop falls So now I'm alone...

Sleepless about something…don’t know what it is. Another poetry filled night, like many other. Smiling…just wanted to translate four lines of a poem I love… Your lips touched mine Though not the first time Kiss…we have had before This time…I got shelter in there For the rest…let the poem itself  speak!

It all started with a tagged Note on Facebook. Read it and smiled. And then buried the smile unknowingly in a heap of deadlines… Until a G-Talk ping, ‘Busy?’ I knew he had something to say…I knew it the moment I read his tagged note. That’s what we always did. A ping after days, sometimes months! Wrapping up work as quickly as I could, I was back to him…my old friend. He began without any introduction…as if we are aware of each other’s daily life. I picked it up from where he began. It had always been such…one just stating the result and other trying to sketch a complete picture. His monologue ended with “I knew you would understand.” And from there mine started: “How couldn’t I?” Next was his turn to listen. I spoke while he filled in the blanks. And soon we were back to those good old days. Those class monitoring days, hour long afternoon phone conversations, discussing homework assignments, pooling by the same vehicle…when life was at its best. And we realized how we are carrying...

A lazy Friday morning… With Santa around the corner, woke up to find a beautiful morning smiling at me. Couldn’t help but smile back at life, thanking Santa for the year that had been. And sitting 1700km away, fell in love with a wintry morning at Kolkata…all over again. I surprise myself often, when I look back to see how I fall in love with small things in life…small conversations, small note of thanks, a simple smile…or just a look. Don’t know if this has something to do with the city I grew up in. But when I woke up to miss the Christmas and New Year cards that we used to exchange in school, I realized I miss those days. I still have a box full of those memories, left in Kolkata. And those scrap books we used to fill while leaving schools…dated till your husband gets pregnant kind! Life changes! Christmas now means dining out…New Year means partying or just gathering over few drinks. Where I see people discussing everything but being happy! Trust me…dining or drinking with gro...

I woke up to find my phone inbox full…with some messages waiting outside my inbox. Reminded of those times when not doing homework meant standing outside the class waiting for it to get over, I took pity on these waiting texts. And started clearing my inbox! And then realized…I can’t delete them! Precious they are! Reminding me of moments, of togetherness, of good times and bad…. Once again I realized why the thought of changing my handset scares me! More than the contacts, every time I switch over to a new handset, I silently cry for the lost ‘saved’ texts. Weird I know…you don’t have to tell me that!  Wondering what to do, I read all the saved messages, only to realize 70% are sent by a single person. A friend whom I know since college, who has been an honest critic of all my nonsensical thoughts, and who never fails to send me texts post midnight… A friend who knows when I need a smile and sends across a text, if not anything more... Might appear childish to many, but her t...

I met him once! A 17-year old…who was literally awed by my presence and kind of started idealizing me. His mom too kept her typical mom-ish radio on…till I intervened: “Kakima…why are you bothered? Let him be himself. I didn’t even bother to have any ideals till date!” To which her answer was: “You will understand only when you have your own kids.” And I ended up muttering under my breath: Holy s***! I liked this guy…his zeal for life…his endless blabbering…his innocence. Between, we met while we were out for a weekend picnic. Off to a sea-side with my dad’s college gang and their family (there were 53 of us). January chill couldn’t dampen the spirit of these 50+ ageing gang of friends… Coming back to this kid… I entered the hotel and he walked up to say: “Have been waiting for you so long. Shall we go out for a walk on the beach this evening?” I was shell shocked! I didn't even know who he was. Before I could open my mouth, he dropped another bomb: “Please don’t say no! Pl...

With 2010 drawing close, like everybody else, I too have been thinking about things that I could have done, things I should have done, things I thought I would do but didn’t. For the last couple of days, this train of thoughts has been ruling my mind. But then, for most part of my past, I don’t repent. I have no reason to! It made me what I’m today. With all the heart aches and smiles, intelligent and stupid conversations, love and I-don’t-wanna-see your-face-again, life did move on. And am thankful it did. But this post had to come. Just because I wanted to have a list of wish-could-have-done! But then thought, why be moronic? I can look back to those wonderful days…days I spent in the City of Joy. Now that I am kinda sure that 2011 or even 2021 won’t find me relocating to Kolkata (because that’s a bad career choice), and am in love with Hyderabad (well…I am…honestly!), why not look back? Kolkata…in retrospect… How does this sound? Now that am confident that looking back to the to-...

Now, here is more to it. If I find myself lost someday, you know where to find me, don’t you? Confused? Well…this just came to my mind in between work. And typed it down! Reads nice, doesn’t it? But doesn’t make any sense. Not to me at least! That reminds me, since when did I start making sense? A busily boring day at work, more so it being a Friday…loads of work pending (thanks to my laziness and end-of-the-year feeling)….some undecipherable training modules to go through (they say professional life should never be stagnant, you should learn new things everyday! And hence…am doomed!)…weekend seems pretty exciting. The only good thing is perhaps a coming up might-happen weekend trip. But then, am pretty confident that with the people in question, chances are it might not happen. Anyway, coming back to what I started off with (or thought I would)…RESOLUTIONS. Am pretty bad at keeping them though, but nevertheless it’s fun to make them. Like promises, resolutions are meant to be broke...

 I.                    Smile Your name brings to me a smile That is silent, as are hills on a windless night The trees will tell you this, if you wait awhile For they will lie not, as others might II.                 Dreams I The dreams are still there And now I dream even more They are all that I have And I can give you no more III.              Dreams II Though it’s rare for one to smile On a night when dreams just wilt and fall It’s better to have loved and lost Much better than never to have loved at all IV.              First Love Twenty years ago, I couldn’t ask for your address. Twenty years ago, You lost my telephone number. Twenty years… Even a lifetime Is not enough To forget! Dated...

Tomorrow when the sun shines up And steaks the world all red I would have no words of hope Because all that have are long been said Years and years in the moments lived No damned dreams ever come true In the promises of Archies’ cards The ones that I live for are few And yet my darned stupid mind Clings on with no logic to find On to the thoughts of changing times!   -           December 30, 2001. Finding it hard to believe that I wrote this…but facts are always stranger than fiction!

At times, we day-dream! We build castles of dream in the air. Some of them come true, some don’t. We carry them within us like prized possession. We play with them at leisure…arrange them, and then rearrange…knowing that they won’t ever come true. Again we put them back on the shelf. Therein lies our sweetest and most honest smiles. At times the feeling of not being able to have something is dearer than the thought or reality of having something. Perhaps emptiness is the most honest feeling one can ever feel! Preface to this: Written way back in 2002 in Bengali. Suddenly came across this today while turning the pages of an old book. Had this odd habit of penning down thoughts while reading something completely different/ doing mathematics…I found that weird then…but thankful now for this long-forgotten weird habit that made me smile. Couldn’t help but do a rough translation.